Goodnight, Elsie Read online

  He was finding it difficult to accept the recent turn of events as he was beginning to feel somewhat annoyed and frustrated about Elsie’s psychological health, and with the physical ailments also, he felt it was time to start looking at it differently. He shared a house with his wife, but some days it felt as if they didn’t even share the same time zone. He felt there was more to this than just the obvious physical ailments, he was sure there was something else seriously wrong with her. He thought it was time to get back to the doctor and tell him of her weight loss and constant feelings of nausea. He was hoping it wasn’t something more serious than what was already going on with her. He knew the weight loss was real but whether she really felt nauseous or not he couldn’t tell, it was just what she told him. He hadn’t considered that, as he now did all the cooking, perhaps he had a part in that. He also wondered about her obsession with magazines, it didn’t seem healthy to him. Frank thought she had become like a magazine addict; he read some occasionally, but they weren’t the highlight of his life like they were for her. They were the highlight of her life as her mind wasn’t as broad as it once was. As Frank now did all the cooking and housework and she was unable to work in her garden, she had become bored. So walking and reading was all she could do to fill in her days. She had nothing to stimulate her mind, so she just did whatever was easiest for her.

  He decided it was time to take her shopping to get some new magazines. She had read the same ones over and over again, so many times now he wondered why she wasn’t bored with them. He suggested to her that they go shopping to buy some new ones; she got excited and was keen to do that. That stimulated her. She went off to get changed to go out while Frank sat and patiently waited. It took her a long time to dress these days, she was not always able to decide what she should or wanted to wear. So often she would just put on whatever clothes were closest, but other times she would spend a long time looking at her clothes, then simply wear whatever she felt like wearing, not always considering the time or weather or where they were going. When she returned to him ready to go, Frank was a little shocked, she seemed to have gotten a bit confused. Her blouse was only partially buttoned up and she had one sock on. Frank did a little sigh, then took her hand, and led her back to her bedroom to start again. The one sock she had on didn’t go with the high-heel dress shoes she was wearing. It wasn’t that she only had one on that bothered him, it was why she had even considered socks with those shoes. He also noted it was time to get her to the hairdressers, she was once meticulous about her hair, but now it was obviously uncared for. He told her about the sock and suggested she re-button her blouse, it was said gently, but in a way that she was sure to comply with him. He also mentioned she should not be wearing high-heeled shoes as she had problems with her ankles. He got her a pair of flat-soled shoes which he placed in front of her; she could wear socks with those, and they were better for her ankles. When she was finally ready, they drove to the book store at the local shopping center. It was a large, two-floor shopping complex crammed full of any store anyone would want to shop in. It was ideal for those wishing to undergo retail therapy. It had a very large car park, but they were lucky to find a spot not too far from the building’s side entrance.

  They casually strolled around together for a while, taking in all the activity of the shoppers walking around with arms full of the merchandise they had purchased. Frank then led Elsie to the book store which had a very large area specializing in magazines. There was every type of magazine imaginable; any type anyone may want was available there. It was like a magazine fanatic’s heaven. Elsie was overjoyed with what was laid out before her and began going through them.

  As Frank was not much of a shopper he said, “I’ll go for a walk, El, see you back here soon. If I’m not back when you’ve got what you want, just wait, I won’t be too long.” He then wandered off. Frank walked all around the shopping center inside, a big walk, and also outside in the car park, giving her time to find what she wanted. He was the sort of shopper who would only enter a store knowing what he wanted; he wouldn’t browse through goods he didn’t want to buy. To him, shopping was a chore, it wasn’t fun at all.

  Meanwhile Elsie was going through each rack, taking a few magazines that interested her, then taking several steps and getting some from another rack, but offloading what she had already taken, it meant she was messing up the store’s organized displays. This didn’t go down well with the store owner who saw her reshuffling their inventory.

  The store owner approached her and said, “excuse me, but what is it you’re wanting?” Elsie didn’t answer her, she just looked away. The owner then said, “please decide which magazines you want and purchase them. You’re messing up our racks, so please either make a purchase or leave the premises.”

  Elsie got very angry at that and said, “I don’t care about your silly magazines, they’re all stupid ones, and I don’t want any.”

  The store owner then said, “very well, if you don’t want to purchase any, then there’s no point in moving them. I would like you to please leave the store!”

  Elsie dumped the magazines she had onto the nearest rack and walked out; she was feeling a little stunned by what had happened.

  After his long walk around the complex, Frank was sure Elsie must have an armload by now. He wasn’t aware of how long it took him to get back to the store. He arrived back at the book store to get her but she wasn’t there. He asked the sales staff about her and they said she had flicked through many magazines but purchased none, so the owner had asked her to leave the premises. He understood why that was; as an ex-sales supervisor, he could relate to a customer messing up the shelves without making a purchase. He knew she was prone to putting things in the wrong place or simply not caring about where things should be put. Or sometimes she would aimlessly mess about with things, not caring what they were, or where they should be. So he had no bad feelings toward the store owner.

  He was concerned for Elsie and thought she must have headed back to the car. He moved quickly to get there so she wouldn’t get confused if she had to stand there alone for too long as the car was locked and he had the keys. But when he got to the car she was not there, in fact she was nowhere to be seen in the entire car park. He quickly went looking for her but couldn’t see her anywhere at all. He then headed for the security center to see if they had a video camera operating in order to locate her; he was sure they would have but wasn’t sure if they would help him or not. They did indeed have a camera and were more than willing to help him; they were in fact very positive in their attitude toward him and the situation. They asked for a description of her and what she was wearing while Frank was standing at the entrance, he wasn’t invited to enter their security work station. They located her quickly, she was sitting on a public seat outside the restrooms, and she looked gloomy and disturbed.

  The restrooms were on the ground floor but off to one side, around a corner. If someone wasn’t looking for them, they wouldn’t notice they were there. Those that needed them could easily find them though as there were signs indicating where they were. Frank thanked the security staff for their help and immediately went to get Elsie. She had become disoriented and confused when approached by the bookstore owner, she wasn’t sure where Frank was, or where the car was, or what to do. So, she had just found a place to sit and unwind. Frank approached her and she seemed to lighten up a little when he arrived. He then took her back to the store, but this time he took the lead and did the shopping for her. The owner saw them but as Frank was with her, she didn’t intervene. He asked her which ones she would like, they walked along the aisle together, with her snatching the ones that took her fancy and handing them to him. When she had picked eight, he thought that would be enough for now, they could come back another day to get more. He bought them for her and the shop assistant seemed helpful and friendly; she was the one Frank had first asked where Elsie was. Frank noticed the store owner standing off to one side observing what was happening. On the dr
ive home, Elsie explained to him that she had felt a little lost and upset when she was told to leave, it had put her off-balance. She didn’t seem to think that flicking through magazines, then putting them onto different racks from where she got them was anything to stress about. She had moved dozens of them before being asked to leave. The store owner didn’t see her as a shopper, just an annoying, old lady creating work for them.

  On the way home, they passed a retirement village. Frank knew a little about it but only what he had heard from others. Once they were home, Elsie went directly to the couch with her new supply of reading material. Frank thought he had lost her again when she did that. He had enjoyed taking her out shopping as they seldom went far from the house lately. She had showed signs of being her old self again; she was talking and responsive to him on the drive back home. But what had happened suggested to him that he would need to stay with her while she was shopping from now on. Not being a keen shopper, the idea annoyed him, but nevertheless he would do it. He also wondered if taking her out shopping had lightened her frame of mind. Perhaps he needed to do that more often.

  He was wondering how long all this was going to last and if there was an alternative to the long, drawn out process being set out before them. He hadn’t foreseen these events in their lives nor did he know how to deal with what was happening. Because he was not a trained caregiver, he was wondering if he was actually doing the right things at the right times. To him it was just looking after his wife but as she was getting progressively sicker, it was bothering him. So he felt it was time to look at other solutions to the situation. He had heard of alternative remedies and therapies, but wasn’t sure if they were indeed a solution or just a gimmick by fraudsters to gather revenue. He decided to use his computer for something other than budgeting or banking as his neighbor, Dave, had suggested. He could do an Internet search to gather information about what was happening with Elsie. According to Dave, there was a huge amount of information that was free to read, so all he had to do was look it up. As he wasn’t overly familiar with the Internet, he felt he couldn’t really be bothered doing all that. So he then thought that perhaps Dave and Julie could help him out as they were computer geeks who spent many hours a day online, so maybe they could either do it for him or show him the right way to do it.

  He went next door to Dave and Julie’s and found Dave in the sitting room, working on his computer; Julie also had a computer she was using while sitting on the couch. He assumed it was what’s known as a laptop as it looked small and was sitting on her lap. He sat next to Dave as Dave began an Internet search for him, he went first to his history of where he had already been. Frank was surprised when what came up were many things about euthanasia. It was a thought that had been going through his mind lately, but he wasn’t at all clued up on the how or why of doing such a thing. He had thought they would be looking up dementia to see what it was about and also to see if there were alternative remedies, real ones, not fake ones. Obviously, Dave had been doing his own research in relation to Elsie’s situation for some time and had progressed to the euthanasia phase. Frank wasn’t too sure if he liked that or not. Even though he had been having similar thoughts, he wondered why his neighbor was researching euthanasia in regard to his wife. It felt a little odd to him.

  Dave said, “if she’s beyond help, you shouldn’t let her suffer; if you love her, then you’d end her suffering before she withers away in pain and confusion. We should care for those we love, sometimes that means getting serious about how we care for them. The osteoporosis alone must be a drain on her, but now she has dementia, which is probably Alzheimer’s. So really, is there any point in waiting until the inevitable happens? Why not end her life while she is comfortable at home, instead of letting her wither away in a care home somewhere surrounded by strangers? If she passed on while at home, she’d be surrounded by people who care for her. There’s no hope for her future, Frank, you just have to accept it. We could work it out between us, if you wanted help. Alzheimer’s is not curable, so she’ll only get sicker. I’m a fan of euthanasia; I think it should be legal.”

  Frank responded in a matter-of-fact tone, “what makes you think it’s Alzheimer’s when the doctor just said dementia? And she’s my wife, Dave. I’m not sure if I have it in me to end her life. I have briefly thought about it, but she’s not too sick yet, if she gets sicker in the head then maybe I’ll look into it a bit more. But I’m not sure how I would ever be able to do that. I wouldn’t ever bash her and I don’t have a gun. I know there are drugs that can end lives but unless it was gentle and painless, I wouldn’t do that to her. It would have to be a painless, easy passing or else I wouldn’t be a part of it. I believe in mercy, but not in murder. If it’s not her choice, then it won’t happen. I’ve been speaking to a few people regarding her condition. Ivan has some God thoughts, which has got me thinking along those lines as well.”

  Dave replied, “Alzheimer’s is the most common form of dementia. Has she talked with you about it at all or would death come as a surprise to her? If it’s what she wants, then let’s all help her, as we all care for her, and it must be difficult for her to live the way she’s living now.”

  “I’m not sure if it’s difficult for her or not, I’m not even sure if she knows she’s sick. If we were to end it for her, the decision will be mine and mine alone. Whether it happens or not will be my choice, not hers. She has the right to ask me to assist her in suicide, but I don’t have to do it. It’s a big step to take, could you really kill Julie if she asked you to? I think not. If I suggested you kill Julie, how would you really feel about that? It may sound like the right thing to do when discussing someone else’s loved one, but when it’s your own loved one, then it takes on a different perspective. It’s generally people who don’t have to do it that think we should do it. It’s easy to talk about it when you’re talking of others, but it really is different when the one in question is your wife. There’s the legal as well as a moral side to it. If she took her own life, that’s okay, but if I did it for her, would that make me a murderer? Legally or morally, I don’t want to be a murderer. It’s a big decision; it would certainly end her life but drastically change mine.” Frank wasn’t all that keen to end Elsie’s life; he had her best interests at heart but was somewhat confused as to what he should do for her. After a little more research and debate on the subject, he went back home. He was having different thoughts and feelings toward Dave; did he have the right to do the research? What on earth was he thinking, looking up ways to kill Elsie? He had watched how Dave had gone onto various different websites so felt he would be able to do some of his own research now; it didn’t look very hard at all.

  During the next few days, he casually and jokingly raised the subject of euthanasia with some of his friends in order to gauge their reactions. Some lightheartedly agreed with it, while some strongly disagreed, so he had lots of thinking to do. He had been looking at alternative medicines in the hope there might be something to help Elsie, but he couldn’t find anything that would suit her with the medications she was already on, and the fact that it was at a serious stage. There seemed to be lots of dementia preventive health supplements but they were past that phase, so it was just prescription medications that she needed now. Frank had for a time been focusing on all the things she couldn’t do anymore. He was focusing more on her failings than on who she actually was. He was wondering if maybe a nursing home really was the right place for her now.

  Although it was Elsie who was sick and getting all the attention, Frank was also becoming a little unwell. He was beginning to feel slightly confused and depressed with the way things were for them now. He was not too sure how to deal with what was going on. Elsie was the only woman he had ever been with. They first meet in their youth and were good friends then started dating. They got married several years later. He had been at her side and her at his for fifty-one years, but he was now wondering how much longer they were to be together. The only future he could see for the
m was dull and bleak. Both Doctor Bailey and Ivan were aware of the stress on him, as he was also getting on in years, but others weren’t’ aware of what he was actually going through. Being seventy-eight meant he didn’t have the strength or staying power he once had. With no helpers around the home on a daily basis, it was putting a lot of pressure on him. He had considered the advice of getting in home help, but as he was not fully aware of the stress he was under, he felt it wasn’t needed. The daily chores weren’t stressing him, he handled those easily. It was just the responsibility of having to care for Elsie that was weighing on him. He had been constantly thinking various thoughts about whether he would want to live alone if Elsie were to either die or go to a nursing home. He thought it wouldn’t be very nice at all to live in their home without her. He had even wondered if taking her life at her request sometime in the future could have a double edge to it. He could take both their lives at the same time. That way he wouldn’t have to live alone, or have to face a possible prosecution if he did end it for her. He wondered if Doctor Bailey would be up to helping with this; he would ask him to see what sort of reaction he got.

  CHAPTER SIX